im Strict and Fierce !

me and my handphone.

2008-03-17T22:50:00.002+08:00

loneliness is the worst feeling ever.
alone.
separated.
apart.
away.
distanced.
far away.
memories.

i can i can i can. im strong. im strong. i wont let anything break me.i can do without u.
why? why now, why me.

i miss u .
miss every part, every moment, everyday
miss ur smile, ur jokes, ur laughter,ur pettiness,ur company
i hate u .
and will never forgive u .

GO AND DIE!

Spore Airshow

2008-02-24T21:58:00.001+08:00

alritee..

i woke uo tday without a heavy heart, unlike other bad days .. so thats a good sign.. hehe ..

im gng keep maself occupied with family and friends ,exercising reading and working :)

im thinkin of taking up bike liscense ..wart do u think?

i cant wait for holidays with the girls .. im very excited :):)

alrite.. so what have i been up to from 19/2- 24/2 ? the SPORE AIRSHOW ! correct !

it was super fun experience.. met alot of nice ppl ..mingled with cute men andd lots of good food ..and relaxing time ..

i worked under a french missile company, MBDA .. how kewl is that ??

getting to view the airshow everyday for free !

and being Exhibitors , we get good treatment and dont have to stand in long ques to take the buses :)

get to see many ppl making a fool of themselves .. really ahha.. shiqi,cartini shd noe wart i mean !

lastly we get PAID !

the Black Knights and Hornet were really good by the way..

these are some pictures : -

i like it with the Welcome Banner.. too bad my eyes were closed ..

me, cartini, shiQi's fren and ShiQi.. ShiQi was my partner at the booth. cartini was attached to some USA booth that was filled with DRAMA ! haha

aboard the shuttle bus at the private cafe of my booth where we had students from Hospitality and Tourism to serve us . thanks guys ! :) i love the cookies btw!

Ms Astruc, a very pleasant lady incharge of us

shez the head of the Media, extremely busy woman . she wanted the pic taken with animation ..ahahahah

Mr Mati n Shiqi !

doesnt the man on the left look like Mr Bean ? well hez french and hez name in french means 'Red Wine' In English ! hahaha ..

me and the AIRBUS 830 !

i enjoyed myself .. and i would love an opprtunity like this one again :)

help

2008-02-23T21:09:00.004+08:00

im going to start the blog by saying ..
pls dont assume anything ..
pls dnt associate the below with anyone
pls dnt ask me about it

i hate negativity.
i always was a cheerful happy person
i love to make those ard me happy and laugh and im always with a smile on my face
thats me , thats Shahira . and i love me .

but over the years i feel i lost a little part of me .
i been through situations that test my patience, play with my emotions and brought tears to ma eyes.
i felt negative.

when i do.. i tend to keep it to myself . iniatially i used to spill it out to my close ones..
soon.. i just get sick of it i end up keeping it maself
at times im numbed. its like im used to it, im not affected.
i botttle up the emotions .
i laugh ,remained strong

and during these sad nights.. sickeningly it takes me longer to doze off..
i start to wonder why im facing n receiving all this
i list down where i went wrong
want to eliminate the source of my misery, but somehow i feel i cant . its like not letting me go
im hooked.

-for things to change, you must change- , a phrase that i strongly believe in
i did change hoping for things to change..
i became a nicer human being , lookout for ppl ard me
nicer to my parents and my loved ones
became more tolerant

tings did change a little for me ..
but once in a while .. the misery returns to eat my everybit
makes me feel so horrible
so worthless.
so upset.
soo upset.

i dnt noe what to do ..
im afraid i'd make the wrong decision that might affect me terribly

i hate this negative feeling .im gng stop and read a book . bye .

NIGHT SHIFT !

2008-01-24T21:43:00.001+08:00

PHEW !

i just ended my 3 nights shift in Changi Hospital- the 1st of my nursing career.

mann.. i was very excited, i never did night shifts before.Besides, i kept thinking i wouldnt survive coz i love my night sleep and i cant stay awake even in chalets and slumber parties ! hahahaha..

i kept asking my friends who have done their night shifts how it was for them .

Jovell said she loved it ,that it is very peaceful at night and time passes very fast.

Fathiyah and Du Rei said it is very tiring on the 2nd night. their body wasnt very used to it .

Meishi said she was practically half asleep during the nights.

SO FINALLY ! on the 11th week of PRCP, i did my 1st night shift. its a big deal btw haahah..

1st night

i didnt sleep on the day of my night shift. i couldnt as i hardly take afternoon naps. I followed my mom to Joo Chiat to buy cloth and drove her to the tailor. i managed to sleep from 5pm-6.30pm. got up, prepared my herbal tea and started work. the 2 staff nurses i was working with , WJ and IVY and EN fiza was super fun click. during our free time we spoke aloott gossip aloott ahaha AND ATE ALOT . time passed very fast. i was incharge so i had alot of work to do . fiza and me ate maggi noodles at 2am. i was telling her ghost storeies and ended up scaring myself so i had to get my NYP frens teresa or hannah or my staff nurse to accompany me to the toilet ! hhahaah.

2nd night

was a killer ! i slept for only 3hrs after my 1st night then i went out and slept for another 3hrs . went gym. so i was practically gng to doze off and complaining alot during my 2nd night. missed my bed alot .

one patient was so noisy but it was good coz he made me awake ! hahaha

taking vital signs is super annoying! CGH should revise their 4am vital signs taking for stable patients.

i got to noe my other EN Irene and Guoying ,Xiaowei better . was ok la ..i was very hungry and sleepy.

3rd night

YAY ! after my 2nd night i slept from 9am till 6pm ! got up and did the treadmill and went work. drank my tea. btw the tea makes me awake. i shd have taken it on the 2nd night! 3rd night was better.im used to the routine and infact got a hang of working at night.annndddd... i m brave enough to go toilet myself ! hahaah ..
i did feel things ard .. or felt like someone was behind me when i was doing some procedure to my patients but i brushed scary thoughts away..'' im just tired'' haha..RIGHT.
i was super hyper when it was time to pass report to the morning shift as i was so excited to spend the next 4days holiday-ing !
YAY ! end of night shift marathon !!!

then i met cartini and we went for a job interview since our holidays are coming and i dnt want to be all alone at home rotting and eating ..
the ladee was LATE and it sorrt of pissed me off coz i was tired . then i did the interview confidently but with a bad voice and a tired face . she kept telling me i look mature and asked if i had a sore throat ! WHAT DO U THINK? i didnt sleep the whole nighhtttt ! try doing tt and see if u look like cinderella!
grr. some ppl.
hahaah.. so yess..
in conclusion : NIGHT SHIFT AINT FOR ME ! yes when im a staff nurse i get paid alootttt per night shift but i love my night sleep more than moneyy. i love my night rest i love the night shows i missed on TV like Grey's anatomy, CSI Miami, desperate housewifes, ANTM .. bla bla..
AND I GET BAD EYEBAGS. i dnt need darker circles ard my eyes u noe !
and my whole body feels weird.

yawn. im gng sleep now. HOLIDAYYY ! :) :) :)

Marriage

2008-01-19T19:39:00.001+08:00

i was at my grandma's house a few days ago, came straight after work in my Nurses' Uniform. My grandma quickly made me eat and grandpa was asking me to drink milo . they were treating me like i just came home from War. haha..
Then this KEPO auntie of mine was there.. asking my mom when im going to be a Staff nurse and how old i m . then she whispered to my mom to get me married soon.

WHAT THE HACK !
and i heard my power mom reply ''can get the groom from the mama shop? ''
hahaahahah !
irritating ppl. like they think marriage is everything. cant they mind their own business. she told me that if i find for groom when im 21-23 i can get the handsome ''strong'' guys
if i find when i m 24 plus and im haggered i will get lousy guys .
HOW DARE SHE !
screw it la . i mean does she think im soooo waiting to get married ?
i have so much to look forward to , goals to meet places to see.

and i feel if i ever meet and marry a man who till the day i die can sincerely love me and can make me feel happy, im super lucky. coz if i live long .. it's a matter of40+ years !

what are the chances this guy's feelings are going to last 40 years ?
and that how he looks at me now and how he looks at me when im old wont change?

honestly im not lookin forward . im afraid of living with the WRONG guy . what if God decided to punish me for my sins here , and makes my marriage life a living hell.
what if that guy isnt what he seemed to be before marriage?
what if he is ultra possessive, he doesnt let me meet my family, doesnt let me meet up with my frens
he picks fights with me when i want some time alone
he verbally abuses me .. makes me feel lousy of myself, threatens me
beats me up
he doesnt let me work, or he controls my pay and decides what i should do with it
he hurts me everyday
makes me suspicious, depress
or, starts loving another girl behind my back
sleeps ard without my knowledge
keeps thinking im lookin at other guys
or if i look good or dresses up , he thinks im attracting guys
calls me a slut
he feels inferior, insecure and takes it out on me
he scolds my parents

what then ?
yes, divorce him.
even if i have kids

coz look !! im not some girl u can push ard . i WONT EVER tolerate such a man. once twice thrice, i might console myself
then i will leave and never look back. even if i have children , my children might not deserve a broken family , but they DEFINATELY dnt need succha dad !

yes. so auntie, do u think someone like me really need to marry?
no.
i have tons of girl cuzzins and 2 other sisters
i alwaes tot we can all buy a huge house and stay together, work and come home to each other, have gals nites together
yes we lack the manly fun , so what, when we can avoid the manly stress and MESS!

but as for now , i do have in mind the sort of guy i'v alwaes wanted in general :

#1 Someone that respects me ! (very important )
if he lures vulgarities at me , doesnt tink my decision is important to him and talks lowly of me , GET LOST !

#2 Someone that is educated ,mature, earns more than me
im not hardup for the money,but if he earns lower than me , im afraid he mite be insecure and take it on me . i dnt ever want fights bcoz of money

#3 can let me have time for myself, with my frens and family

#4 likes my family, my frens and vice versa

#5 i can engage in nice fun conversations with me

#6 accepts me for who i m , accepts my past

#7has a personality i can live with vice versa

#8someone like my dad

#9taller than me (hehe.. )

#10 someone that truly loves me .. that is genuine

AND MANY MORE.. haahah ..i dnt need a perfect person. but just dnt hurt me , cheat me .. or disrespect me or my family

coz from love to tolerance it will turn to hate.

i will always want to live with my current family.
i love them and enjoy their presence wayy to much..
and i dnt want marriage to change any of tt
ya,so marriage is something farr farr away(and i hope will never come )

coz its lame shit.
ya.
why even bother..

Death - a long holiday.

2008-01-15T22:07:00.000+08:00

one minute u can be alive and the next minute '' ------------------ ''

the end.

i have seen quite a number of patients die, but no matter what, every death makes me feel terrible.

being in the room where the body stops breathing, chest stops rising sends chills down my spine.
I can feel my face all cramped up, my arms shivering, and tears filling my eyes .
a terrible feeling.
i swallow my tears and suppress my emotions .
im in my uniform.

perform the last office for the patient in silence, thoughts running through my mind
what if this is my loved one ? can i take it ?

what if this is me ?
where is the soul now ?

at times when i am very attatched to a patient, and when he/she pass away , i cant contain my tears. i'd run to the toilet and cry my heartout, wipe my tears and act strong .

some deaths are expected. experienced nurses actually can tell when the patient is going to ''go''. we tell the family to accept it , its good for the patient , relieve them from more ''suffering''.
but no matter what , no one can accept the lost of a loved one.
i know i never can.

I never faced a loved one's death.
my paternal grandparents died before i was born.
but i know how much it affects my dad, he still misses his dad so much even after 20years.

i value life alot.
my perspective of life and death has changed.
i treasure people around me , my parents, my siblings, my cousins, my friends, relations, aquaintances, everyone .
i treasure every moment i spent with them like its the last.

sometimes, i ask myself why does God give us the best things in life , only to take it away from us .
Then i console myself, we will all die, its natural, and we all hope to meet again up there.

Inshallah.

Death - A long holiday.

The 1st !

2008-01-15T00:23:00.000+08:00

MY 1ST BLOG! * WEEEtttsss! *

yes, afteerrr donkey years.

im so super excited ok i mean where else can i write abt myself hahaah..

and i hope i dont get bored of this like i get of FRIENDSTER

THANK YOU MY DEAR SISTER RAIHANA ! (shez the one above )

for patiently creating this blog for me and putting up with my fussiness

but HEY u did have a good time LAUGHING AT ME , thx.

the product of my boredom is this blog.

my aim : to blog on those boring nights when im back from work or simply have nothin to do online ,ppl on my MSN are simply boring or when im just waiting to sleep.

i decided nature. i really hate those EMO blog skin . me and emo just ..naahh.

im a happy person

I sat on this chair for an hour creating my blog , and my DVD- ''you got served'' is staring at me for me to watch in my PORTABLE DVD PLAYER.. hoof hooff hehee..

besides, its so lonely where im sitting now i can hear noises from the walls. im not schizophrenic. but yes ''they'' are quite noisy .

and worst, the malay channel on TV ,a man is telling ghost stories.

shucks, n im doing three night shifts next week

YIKES !!